"Am I crazy?", I asked my new bride. "No", she replied. "If you were crazy, you wouldn't even ask that." It seemed logical, so I accepted that. Still I wondered what was wrong with me. Why couldn't I control myself when I got angry? Why did I get so enraged? I knew what I was doing. I chose to do it, even though I knew I shouldn't. The things I did and said were not only hurtful, but they caused the ones I loved to walk around on egg shells, afraid to do or say some thing that would set me off.
She said I wasn't crazy, but, she was wrong. (She was wrong about alot of things, but we won't go there.) 2010, I was diagnoised Bi-Polar, a mental disorder/mental illness. I AM CRAZY. Finally, I got the answers I needed. For six years now, I've been in treatment. With the help of meds., the mood swings aren't as bad, nor as frequent or extream. Emotionally, I am more balanced. I see a therapist now, and am learning to behave more appropriately, though I have my moments. I still get angry, who doesn't. From time to time I loose it. Not near as often, nor intence. I don't have the rage like before.
I AM ANGRY. Angry because ppl have this stigma concerning mental illness. Mental Illnesses are diseases, as valid a phisical ailment as cancer. Mental Illnesses are caused by chemical imbalances in the brain. We were born this way, or maybe it's enviromental, no one really knows. I'm differnt, but I didn't ask to be. So, Why am I still teated like it's my fault? All those times I said I couldn't help myself, couldn't control myself, I wasn't lying, I couldn't. Even now, I'm better, but I'm not cured, I never will be. What's normal? This is my normal, and it's as good as it gets.